Maturity Levels

I always go into a cleaning frenzy when my parents are coming over... but right now, at this point in my life, my house is rarely clean to my OWN satisfaction, and my parents' standard of "clean" is higher than mine to begin with. Mostly, though, I want my house to feel comfortable and welcoming for them, and I know that it will feel more so if it's clean and pretty, since they keep their own house really clean and aren't used to clutter and pet fur (I'm actually less worried about the toys on the floor, because they've been there and done that, but those have to come up to sweep up the pet fur).

I suspect it rather depends on the individual parental relationship and relative cleanliness standards. Even for friends, I feel more urgency in cleaning up for people who I know really like a clean environment and will find it distasteful if things are messy; I feel less need to get things REALLY SUPER clean for people who I know are more comfortable with, say, cat fur tumbleweeds here and there or piles of books and papers on every available flat surface.

All that said, I will confess that with my parents in particular, there is also the extra impetus that I would really like to prove that I am a real grownup now and can actually take care of myself, and that they don't need to do all my laundry and sweep my floors and rake my yard whenever they come over, which they will otherwise absolutely do (out of a desire to help and a need to have projects for themselves, mind you, not out of any urge to make me feel useless, but there you have it).

Ahh, makes sense. I, honestly, am *not* a real grown-up--I can't do long-division and I don't care about car specs and I drink wine out of boxes and live off cheap Chinese food, when left to my own devices--so that's never occurred to me. Helps that my folks gave up on me ever having a non-cluttered living space sometime when I was in high school, I think. ;)

Totally with you on cleaning to visitors' standards. Which might also be a thing: I've never seen my grandparents' house looking untidy, and I don't know about my aunt's either. Whereas my parents and my sister--while neither of them do the Hoarders thing or leave food around--are much more of the "oh, those are my socks draped over the couch" camp.

I think it's partly generational, or even mostly. Even in the span of twenty years, things have changed dramatically for everyone in the West. I remember my parents being much the same as you've described your Dad, getting ready for a visit by doing a frenzy of cleaning and cooking; visitors were a Big Deal.

Huh, interesting!

I wonder if part of that is the amount and style of entertaining you expect to do in your house. I mean, if I'm actually pulling out the stops re: lunch with people, I'll take them out somewhere; if you're eating at home with me, it's much more likely to be a "let's get takeout and sit around watching bad movies" deal, which is much less formal, and so it's probably okay to assume you're okay with finding paperbacks between couch cushions, or the like.

The way I was raised (not sure if that speaks to cultural, generational or personality differences), how presentable you make yourself or your home when you have guests over says something about yourself and your attitude toward them.

My parents have seen my room and house be messy, but I have never felt good about that happening. I am not going to wax the floors if my landlord stops by to fix a leaky faucet. On the other hand, if I am hosting an occasion, I want the place to look nice. Then the people who come over know that I care about their opinions of me. While I have had difficult times with my parents in the past, I want then to think well and be proud of me.

I also agree with ryxander about cleaning more when you know your guests will appreciate it more.

I think you've probably hit on something with the caring-about-opinions thing.

Because I do care about other people's opinions of me, but only in certain areas. I worry a lot about my physical appearance, for example, to the point where I feel really uncomfortable if people I know socially see me in sweatpants or a frumpy-looking shirt. Whereas, while I'll make an effort to pick up things like stray socks when I know friends or family are coming over, "She keeps such a disorganized house" isn't an opinion I mind anyone having of me, even people whose opinions really matter.

One of those pillars-of-identity things, maybe?

I totally agree with the "I want them to think well of me and be proud of me" sentiment. Also, I'm totally more OCD when my wife's parents are coming to visit, and she's a bit more with mine. We're married 5 years and I know they totally accept me, but there's still the irraional desire to win approval.

But it doesn't bother you as much to be seen in the frumpy shirt.

I'm bothered by both the frumpy shirt and the cluttered house, and so I own very few frumpy clothes and I keep the public areas of our house pretty neat, since we have people over fairly regularly. We also go into cooking frenzies at the hint that someone might come over.

I think it's a personality thing.

Cleaning and cooking (and then cleaning the mess from cooking, so I can cook more...rinse-repeat) is how I avoid dealing with my family when they come visit.